It Is A Red Red Flag If They Can’t Answer These Questions.
One of the most important decisions you will make in your entire life will be whom you choose to marry and have children with.
If you are a successful independent woman, be wary of ‘successful’ men with flashy cars or big houses, who flaunt their cash. Some of these men have nothing and are in deep debt. They are after a successful woman to take advantage of until they move on to the next one. If you are a man with money, don’t get married. Period!
That may be too direct but what I meant here is if you are the type of person that literally falls in love, take your time before diving into marriage. Know who you are marrying and how they handle finances. Don’t be fooled by the charming looks and beauty.
While these are my opinion, it is your personal decision to make your personal life choices however it suits you best.
Nowadays, marriages/relationships are ‘through thick and thin, till I find a better deal’.
Treat every day as a first date to get to learn something new about your partner.
15 Questions You Must Ask On The First Date.
1. How much money do you make?
Yeah, I know. That’s not happening!
Well, this is a hard question to ask for sure, and it indeed is considered rude to ask someone (you don’t know yet) how much they make. In fact as woman, you will have ‘gold digger’ labeled all over you.
A study found that salary ranked last on a list of seven factors most people find important when determining whether to keep seeing someone. It seems like most people avoid this subject. This is particularly dangerous.
So how do I ask this? You may wonder. You just have to ask. But even if he/she tells you they make $200,000 a month then what?
It’s okay to ask how much money your date makes.
However, do not equate salary with richness. If they tell you a high salary you may think they are well off. You may not realize that they have a sick parent to take care of or have bad spending habits and are drowning in debt.
If they say a low salary you might change your perception of them and not realize that they may be debt free with paid off assets and huge savings in the bank.
Sadly, this seems to be the main reason some men/women date today – to find someone with money to support them while they bring nothing to the table. This message is only for the hardworking men and women who are looking for a likewise partner to drive their dreams forward. Not for the lazy, dependable gold diggers waiting for a rich man/woman to suck off all the cash they can.
2. How much debt do you have?
A common question many people ask is ‘Do you take on your partner’s debt when you marry?
Before you embark on a lifelong journey with someone, you need to have a serious talk about finances – especially debt, and the sooner this happens the better.
In most states, you are not legally responsible for your partner’s debt acquired before getting married. However, with always changing laws, this could change any time.
In fact, in community property states, all property and debt is shared once a couple marries: it doesn’t matter who acquired the debt. You are not responsible for most of your spouse’s debt incurred before marriage. However, debt acquired by either spouse after the wedding is automatically a shared debt.
Do you know if your state is a Common Law or Community Property state and how it can affect you?
In common law states, which most states fall under, if a married couple opens a joint account or gets a shared credit card, they will both be responsible for debt owed on those accounts. However, if only one spouse puts their name on the account, only that person is liable for the loan, except for things like child care, housing or food, which must be shared by both parties, even if a joint account was not used.
For joint bank accounts the balance becomes a shared asset, regardless of who deposited the money and when.
So what does this say if you end up with a financially irresponsible partner? This is why you need to know who you are getting involved with, their relationship with money and if you are ready to take on that baggage. I guess not.
Talk to your partner about finances on the first date. Don’t wait till you are engaged or, even worse, married. Remember, the first date is every day you are with someone you are not married to. Doing so sooner than later will save you years of tears and misery.
3. Have you ever filed for bankruptcy?
While this may not always be the case, bankruptcy may be a sign of financial irresponsibility. For someone to file for bankruptcy, they must have gone too far in racking up debt they cannot afford to pay back. Unless this was due to a medical or family emergency, other reasons should be a no no.
Remember, after a bankruptcy, someone starts on a clean credit slate. It may take years for them to rebuild their credit. So, what about that house you have been dreaming to buy with your partner? I guess it may have to wait or you may be the one to take out the mortgage solely in your name. What if you need the income of your spouse in order to qualify for the mortgage?
It can be difficult to keep your credit histories entirely separate after marriage, especially for large purchases such as a home which typically require you to apply jointly so that both incomes and credit histories can be considered in evaluating the risk of the loan. Remember some states have “community property” laws that automatically make both of you liable to pay, irrespective of whose name is one the loan..
But as long as the bankruptcy appears on your partner’s report, it may be more difficult to qualify for new credit or loans. A bankruptcy remains seven years from the filing date for Chapter 13 bankruptcy and 10 years for a Chapter 7 bankruptcy.
Understand your partner’s financial situation before getting married. It will give you insight on how they manage their credit. Discuss your individual approaches to money management and address any differences you have beforehand.
Money is at the heart of many broken marriages. Agreeing on how you will manage funds before marriage will help you make better choices.
4. Do you have any children?
If you are a single woman without any children, I caution you against dating a man with kids.
I am a single mother and I will never date a man with kids.
Do they support them / pay child support? If they do not then do not waste your time. Chances are high that you will be the next victim.
And honestly, if you’re reading this and thinking, “Well, he always puts me first over his kids,” then you are about to make a huge huge mistake. Would rather be with a man who neglects his own children? Would you ever want this to happen to your children? Yeah, I don’t think so.
They’ll always have their ex in their life. Even if he cannot stand his ex, she’s still going to be in his and your life. It’s the mother of his child. You’ll see photos hanging of them on his walls, he’ll be making phone calls to her—that’s normal. It’s called co-parenting. So, they will be in communication with each other regarding their child.
5. Do you have an ex-wife(s) or ex-husband?
First things first, make sure they are divorced and not separated. Some people are quick to jump into new relationships when separated and claim ‘i’m divorced’. High chances you are just a rebound, Yikes!
If you are not willing to ask questions, you are risking it too far. These are some questions you must get answers to:
- Why did you get divorced? They might be dishonest about the reason for the divorce so you may have to ask this several times on different occasions to catch the lie, or do your own research. You don’t want to be the next divorcee.
- When did you get divorced? If it is recent, no no! You may be a rebound honey.
- What is your relationship with your ex? If they only bad mouth their ex, this is not a good sign. Run!
- Do you and your ex have any kids? What is your relationship with them? Do you support them? How often do you spend time with them?
Another thing you need to remember when you’re dating a divorcee, even if he/she is madly in love with you, you have to be aware that they may never want to remarry.
Remember, knowledge is not power. Only applied knowledge is.
Do your homework and make the right choice.
6. What is your credit score?
Even though marrying a person with a bad credit history won’t affect your own credit record, a person’s credit history says a lot about their relationship with money.
A poor credit score may be a sign of poor money management.
If you are involved with someone who has bad credit (whether married or not) it will impact you one way or another. Any loans or credit cards you try to obtain together will have a higher interest rate and most likely higher fees. You may also not qualify for most loans and credit applications.
In community property states, you are not responsible for most of your spouse’s debt incurred before marriage. However, debt taken on by either spouse in marriage is automatically a shared debt. Therefore, creditors can go after a spouse’s joint assets to pay an individual’s debt.
7. Are you in debt? If yes, how much?
You’ll also want to discuss major debts or past delinquencies. If someone is in debt, it’s important to understand how they ended up in debt, and the circumstances that led to a delinquency or default in payment.
You need to ask yourself if the reason they are in debt is justifiable or not. Do they have a solid plan to pay off the debt? Are you ready to support them in this journey? If not then you may have to keep looking.
8. Do you have any savings? How much?
If you do not want to seem too direct with this question, you could ask something like:
“Tell me a time when you had an emergency, how did you handle it?”
The trick is to ask open ended questions and let them explain their response. If you ask:
“Have you ever had an emergency? Did you manage to take care of it?”
Be rest assured the answers to these questions will be “Yes”. I mean who wouldn’t answer yes to such a direct question? So avoid influencing the answers by asking open ended questions.
By going about this question like this, you are not directly asking how much they have saved but basing your answer by the response they give. If for instance they say they had to entirely rely on family and friends to cover for the emergency, it’s most likely due to no emergency fund in place. If they however say they had it covered from savings, you can know they have their lives in order.
9. What is the last book you read and when?
There is something about people who read. Not only are they smart, they are also successful. Reading makes people more knowledgeable about life. They get equipped with the tools and skills needed to be successful.
So if your date or partner has never read a book since grade 3, drop them honey. These are people with a single vision to life. They only look left, and right is never right.
If they read, get to know what books they read. Ask what they learned from the books and what books they can recommend you read. They should be able to name a couple.
10. Have you ever been arrested or convicted of a crime?
Being married to a felon will impact your lives as long as he/she is a felon. And from what I understand, getting that label expunged is an uphill climb. Qualifying for an apartment will be next to impossible. Almost all apartment complexes restrict felons from living there. Not forgetting job applications.
In short, anything that requires a criminal background check will catch up with you. Therefore, your partner’s situation can impact many areas of your life, if you choose to be part of their life.
11. Tell me about your friends
Indeed, “show me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are”.
Having friends who, for instance, cheat on their partners, or abuse drugs and alcohol speaks volumes about your true character.
Why? Because morally upright people would never have such friendships. Your partner’s current friends are a reflection of them.
“You’re Only As Good As The Company You Keep”
Whether we are aware of it or not, the people we spend our time with shape our personality, the way we think, the way we speak, and the way we perceive the world.
So if your partner lied to you about something, look at their friends. The answers are there, loud and clear.
12. What is your relationship with your family?
Well, I don’t know…I haven’t seen my parents and siblings in years. We are just not close.
I don’t understand how someone can go for years without at least seeing their parents. Unless they live overseas it is understandable. But in this day and age with cell phones and Skype surely, you’ve got to be kidding me.
This to me is just someone with no family values. No matter what your family may do to you they are still family. If someone can renounce their own parents, what makes you think they cannot renounce you, an outsider?
13. What would you do if you bumped into your ex today?
This is to see what they say about their ex. If it’s all negative, what makes you think you won’t the next one he will talking about?
If someone is using derogatory language about their ex, that’s overboard, but if your partner is just venting about how their ex cheated on them, that’s different. But if they cheated and are blaming their ex for making them cheat, I don’t think you should be listening to that nonsense.
Also, when people talk badly about their exes to an unhealthy point, it means that they haven’t fully healed from that breakup.
15. What is your retirement plan?
They’ve got to have a plan. If they don’t then they have nothing saved for retirement. What is the reason he/she has nothing saved? Are you prepared to take care of that person as well as all the finances? Does he/she plan on finding a job before you get married? If they do, can they keep that job? These are some of the questions you need to consider. I would suggest you find someone with a plan for retirement depending upon the answer to the above questions.
If they don’t and you are so blindly in love, if you want to marry, then marry, but get a solid prenup first. Agree that what was yours before marriage will remain yours should the marriage end. But remember prenups don’t always hold 100% in court.
Don’t be surprised if your date or partner doesn’t really feel the need to keep seeing you after laying this out on the table. This is great. They just saved you misery.
14. Is there anything you are struggling with in life?
We all struggle with something at some point in our lives, be it finances, family, friends, alcohol, or work. But a times these issues can extend to the people closest to us. Before getting married you need to find out what issues your partner is struggling with because rest assured these issues will be yours too.
If it is too much to handle, don’t get in with the ‘they might change’. There’s no trial period in marriage. You are either in or out. And once in getting out has its cost.
“Well, she’s always had anger issues, but I thought it would get better with time” or “He’s never been responsible with money, but I thought once we got married he would grow up.”
Be honest with yourself. Are you assuming that your partner will magically become a different person after marriage? Think again. Changing is totally up to them, not you. And if you choose to marry that person, you must choose to take them as they are, end of story — without fooling yourself that they will change.
